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transience ranks every notable character from "24". (mega spoilers) (mega-list)

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transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 10:37:07 AM | message detail | filter | #001
24 ends tonight, which means it's time to talk about the series as a whole. I've compiled a huge list of every relevant and semi-relevant 24 character -- 125 of them -- and will list them all with writeups.

obviously, there will be mega spoilers from every episode ever aired of 24, so if you haven't seen them yet, go away.


125. Carrie Turner

Season(s): 2
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Carrie_Turner

There are some really bad characters in 24 history, and I think this one takes the cake as the worst one ever conceived.

Carrie Turner's entire purpose is to be as completely obnoxious as possible. She has this hilarious grudge against Michelle Dessler because she was once her boss at DISTRICT and now Michelle is telling her what to do at CTU. She's spiteful and antagonistic and there isn't a good scene in the show involving her. Well, I guess some of the scenes where she's getting owned by Michelle are okay, but she never enhances the show in any good way. She even has an awful plotline about how she had an affair with Michelle's brother who then attempted suicide. He even comes into CTU to see Michelle and starts choking her. It's so stupid. They go out of their way to make her as petty and stupid as possible in the face of a national crisis.

You can tell the last third of season 2 of 24 was just thrown together randomly, and Carrie is the worst offender. ugh. Fortunately, she's pretty forgettable so I wouldn't be surprised if half the people reading this have no idea who I'm even talking about. Consider yourself lucky.
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xyzzy
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 10:38:41 AM | message detail | filter | #002
125 characters the hell

should've narrowed it down to 100

anyway looking forward to some awful rankings

not a bad last place. she's one of those things that i forget about due to only having watched s2 once. i have this weirdly romanticized view of s2.
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KleenexTissue50 | Posted 5/24/2010 10:39:47 AM | message detail | filter | #003
Would have figured Miles Papazian for last!
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transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 10:41:32 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #004
I tried narrowing it down to 100 but felt like I was kicking out guys that were halfway notable.

plus I wanted to rant about some truly awful characters, which 24 has plenty of
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xyzzy
PLAYlNGTHEGAME | Posted 5/24/2010 10:42:04 AM | message detail | filter | #005
#1 kevin wade
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sess
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 10:45:06 AM | message detail | filter | #006
kevin was a baller

his roommate now
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 10:49:33 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #007
124. Julia Milliken

Season(s): 3
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Julia_Milliken

This woman is just embarrassing. She stayed with a rich man because he was rich and not because she loved him. She cheated on her husband with Wayne Palmer and then failed to keep it under wraps. When her husband found out, she ran off to Wayne and wanted him to come back to her. When Sherry comes to try and fix up the situation with Alan Milliken and David Palmer, Julia stands there scared while Sherry talks the man to death, then fails at covering up the truth there. Later, when she's completely desperate and hopeless, she shoots Sherry Palmer and then kills herself. Thank god, because she is completely freaking useless.

123. Marilyn Bauer

Season(s): 6
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Marilyn_Bauer

Speaking of useless: Marilyn Bauer. It's already bad enough that Jack's extended family got written into the show - now we've got his sister-in-law trying to get into his pants even though she's still married to his brother. Hell, she hasn't even seen Jack in years. It's an awful plotline.

When attacked by Philip's men, Milo bravely saves her life only for her to run around like a complete moron and get captured again. She sacrifices Jack in a futile attempt to save her son. Her character is bad, her troubled scream pierces my ears and she just pisses me off. I hate this woman.

...man, I really do like this show! honest!
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xyzzy
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 10:50:05 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #008
Kevin Wade was actually one of the guys I cut out. I could have pushed this list to 150 easily.

he'd probably be around the middle
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xyzzy
KleenexTissue50 | Posted 5/24/2010 10:50:32 AM | message detail | filter | #009
transience is a woman hater
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transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 10:50:53 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #010
when it comes to 24, definitely. some of these chicks are just terrible.
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xyzzy
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 10:50:54 AM | message detail | filter | #011
marilyn too low. she was kinda cute. there are like a dozen worse characters from s6 alone.
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 10:54:10 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #012
really? name 'em
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xyzzy
My Immortal | Posted 5/24/2010 10:56:03 AM | message detail | filter | #013
Josh and Graem I'd put lower than Marilyn.
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SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 10:56:49 AM | message detail | filter | #014
nadia yassir (though she was hot so i can forgive that), noah daniels, josh bauer, phillip bauer, lisa miller, reed pollock's friend, dmitri gredenko, anatole markov, the british dude connecting fayed to bauer's relatives

ok so that was 9 but i'm sure i can look back and find some more
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 10:59:30 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #015
wow, can't believe multiple people can defend Marilyn Bauer. I thought she was miserable.
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xyzzy
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 11:00:48 AM | message detail | filter | #016
she wasn't exactly a good character but it just seems weird that she's this low.

anyway we need about 50 more before we get into any characters worth a damn so proceed
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
PLAYlNGTHEGAME | Posted 5/24/2010 11:02:10 AM | message detail | filter | #017
daniels was a great character
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sess
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 11:03:31 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #018
122. Sandra Palmer

Season(s): 6
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Sandra_Palmer

From the Marilyn Bauer school of "random unmentioned family members thrown in for no good reason", I present Sandra Palmer. It's no wonder season 6 is the consensus worst season.

Sandra Palmer has one purpose in season 6: to authorize giving Wayne Palmer the adrenaline. Everything else is just bad. She's some wacko liberal going on about rights and privacy and other crap, which I could get behind if she wasn't doing it in the most obnoxious way possible. The whole Walid Al-Rezani plotline is bad and she abuses her family name for personal gain. She's a disgrace to the Palmer name, and I say that knowing that Sherry Palmer is part of it.

121. Miles Papazian

Season(s): 5
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Miles_Papazian

Miles Papazian is probably the most annoying character in the show's history. He is so "by the book" and self-serving, he goes out of his way to let a corrupt president walk for the sake of a promotion, and he does all of this knowing full well how completely obnoxious he is. He's an awful human being and he makes me twitch more than any other character in the show's history. He even makes Chloe look cool. Not that there's anything really wrong with Chloe, but "cool" is not the kind of adjective you'd attach to her. Miles is that dorky.

..and yet, I have this begrudging respect for just how good he is at pissing me off. Miles frustrates the hell out of me. At least he has a motive.. kinda. That makes him better than worthless trash like Julia Milliken, anyway!
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xyzzy
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 11:04:30 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #019
I can't go too far without seeing the s8 finale - don't want to rule out some awful plot twist that sends someone to the bottom of the barrel
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xyzzy
VincentLauw | Posted 5/24/2010 11:04:59 AM | message detail | filter | #020
TAG

Jack Bauer, Tony Almeida and David Palmer as top 3. Logan and Bill Buchanan are acceptable too.
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SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 11:16:34 AM | message detail | filter | #021
worst list ever

time to post a RIVAL RANKING for the arcs
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
The Beginning | Posted 5/24/2010 11:19:25 AM | message detail | filter | #022
I'd have to judge this list after I see what it deems relevant or semi-relevant. Right now most of the characters are pretty bad, but there are worse. Except maybe Carrie Turner... even Danny Dessler was better than Carrie Turner.
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"O, Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest."
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 11:21:01 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #023
120. Richard Heller
Season(s): 4
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Richard_Heller

Like Sandra Palmer, Richard Heller is one of those crazy liberals that 24 likes to make fun of. He's young and therefore sees things in black and white, and to him his Republican war daddy is evil. Honestly, it's not that bad of a plotline.

However, like most things in season 4, it quickly turns to torture and Richard Heller is the least satisfying interrogation ever. I can still hear that painful scream of his and it went on and on throughout season 4. Ultimately, Richard Heller ends up being this super obnoxious character. When he *finally* breaks, he admits that he couldn't tell because he would admit that he was gay to his dad. Ultimately he's just a troubled kid with daddy issues.

I would actually feel sorry for him if he wasn't so damn annoying during that endless torturing. God, that scream.

119. Lisa Miller
Season(s): 6
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Lisa_Miller

Noah Daniels's chief of staff. She was simultaneously banging him and a Russian lobbyist named Mark Bishop, both in secret. The resulting plot arc was truly awful, with the only redeeming factor being that we got to see Tom Lennox being awesome. That's literally the only good thing.

Lisa also committed perjury regarding Karen Hayes's resignation in order to throw Wayne Palmer out of office. That's pretty low. I don't think I'd mind Lisa so much if she didn't suck at everything she did. When confronted by Daniels, Lisa just shuts down instead of dealing with it. When Lennox runs an operation to expose what Bishop knows, Lisa decides to attack him, only to get the life strangled out of her instead. I can't think of anything good she did during her tenure as a 24 character. She's just bad at everything.
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xyzzy
The Beginning | Posted 5/24/2010 11:22:24 AM | message detail | filter | #024
I read once that Carrie was supposed to be a lesbian who had previously sexually harassed Michelle, so really, she could have been much worse... or much better.
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"O, Lord, give me health and strength. We'll steal the rest."
wallmasterz | Posted 5/24/2010 11:23:23 AM | message detail | filter | #025
tagtagtag

Jack Bauer #1 and David Palmer #2 obviously
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PLAYlNGTHEGAME | Posted 5/24/2010 11:26:06 AM | message detail | filter | #026
I read once that Carrie was supposed to be a lesbian who had previously sexually harassed Michelle, so really, she could have been much worse... or much better.

put the show on HBO and you have the best storyline in television history
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sess
SuperWhiscash | Posted 5/24/2010 11:29:45 AM | message detail | filter | #027
cool. Logan for top 5 plz
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transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 11:29:50 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #028
118. Ahmed Amar
Season(s): 6
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Ahmed_Amar

Wow, I hadn't realized just how bad some of season 6's characters are. It's not just the abortion of a plot, it's the characters too!

Ahmed Amar is the worst terrorist ever. He needs a scrawny, nerdy dad to protect him from some redneck dude despite having a gun. To repay him for saving his life, he takes his family hostage and then uses the classic line, "YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PRONOUNCE MY NAME. IT'S NOT AH-MED IT'S ACK-MED." That's right, that's the reason this guy is a terrorist. The next time someone mispronounces my name, I'm gonna blow up a bus.

117. Marianne Taylor
Season(s): 4
Bio; http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Marianne_Taylor

This girl will do anything to get ahead. She'll sleep with people and then blackmail them, she'll threaten coworker's jobs if they don't do what she wants, she'll set others up for treason if it means she can have their job afterwards.

When Marianne was shown to be a mole, I thought it was kind of surprising. Usually, moles aren't this open about how dickish they are, but Marianne is awful from the first minute. I kind of appreciate her, seeing as she's fairly competent and knows what to do to get ahead, but that all goes out the window once she gets caught and is threatened by Marwan's people. Marianne ends up being a sniveling coward just like the rest of the bottom of this list. That was probably the most disappointing thing about her - as an antagonist she was obnoxious, but when she turned pathetic, it made it all the worse.
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xyzzy
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 11:31:15 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #029
I'd prefer the lesbian plotline over some crap about Michelle's brother. not by much, mind you, but that plotline was just terrible.

I'm not sure if Michelle's actress vetoing this means I should rank her lower or not
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xyzzy
PLAYlNGTHEGAME | Posted 5/24/2010 11:31:56 AM | message detail | filter | #030
she was really hot tho
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sess
goldensage830 | Posted 5/24/2010 11:38:37 AM | message detail | filter | #031
Nina should be high.
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I thought what I'd do was I'd pretend I was one of those deaf-mutes...or should I?
LOLContests | Posted 5/24/2010 11:40:58 AM | message detail | filter | #032
Palmers + Logans + Alison Taylor for Top 5 plz.
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Dr. Football beat me, Yesmar in the 2010 Guru Contest!
LOLContests | Posted 5/24/2010 11:44:24 AM | message detail | filter | #033
Marianne Taylor was a lot more interesting when it seemed like she had her own agenda she was working for. But then it turned out she was just working for the terrorists like every other mole, and it was a "Whatever" moment.
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"Ahem! There is *sand* on my *boot*!"--Kefka
Dr. Football beat me, Yesmar in the 2010 Guru Contest!
SHINE GET 64 | Posted 5/24/2010 11:49:11 AM | message detail | filter | #034
at this point in the series I wouldn't feel bad ranking Logan above David Palmer

I wonder if tranny will do the same
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transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 11:50:50 AM | message detail | delete | filter | #035
116. Olivia Taylor
Season(s): 7
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Olivia_Taylor

In a season of really good characters, Olivia Taylor stands out. She starts out bad and gets worse - she holds grudges, she'll do anything to get ahead, and when things finally turn against her, she points her finger at everyone else and covers it up. She's a thorn in everyone's side - Aaron Pierce, Ethan Kanin and even her mother. She singlehandedly separates her parents and is responsible for the premature death of Jonas Hodges, the character that should have been the final boss of season 7.

On the bright side, her awfulness allows Allison Taylor shine as a president by contrast. Olivia Taylor is a bad character but in a lot of ways, it's for the greater good of the season.

115. Dan Mounts
Season(s): 1
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Dan_Mounts

This guy is a total dick. Normally I'd be cool with somebody being a dick to Kim Bauer, but Dan just makes everything uncomfortable. He smashes Janet's arm with a crowbar. He's a dick to his best friend. On top of that, he's an awful kidnapper, allowing Kim and Janet to escape really easily. There really isn't anything positive to say about Dan - he's not completely awful like some of the guys below him but he has zero redeeming qualities.

Well, except for the fact that he gave Ira Gaines an awesome oneliner when he killed him -- "looks like you've been promoted."
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xyzzy
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 11:56:51 AM | message detail | filter | #036
Well, except for the fact that he gave Ira Gaines an awesome oneliner when he killed him -- "looks like you've been promoted."

man you left out the part before he gets killed, possibly the most legendary one-liner in 24 history

'Look Dan, you're either dead or your not dead. You can't be sorta dead. Here, let me show you.'
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 12:03:00 PM | message detail | delete | filter | #037
heh. Gaines isn't the best terrorist but he's damn likable.
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xyzzy
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 12:03:55 PM | message detail | filter | #038
adam kaufman is already far too high
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 12:16:58 PM | message detail | delete | filter | #039
nice call

114. Adam Kaufman
Season(s): 3
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Adam_Kaufman

A CTU analyst archetype that's way too overdone -- intelligent, really good with computers, has zero social skills. I bet if I rewatched season 3 of 24 today, it'd be even worse because Sylar is a pretty cool character on Heroes while this guy is a complete loser.

Adam has next to no plot relevance. The only time he really gets any chance to shine is when he finds out his sister has the virus and he shuts down. The rest of the time he's either doing his job or being super anal. There's not very much to like here.

113. Martha Logan
Season(s): 5, 6
Bio: http://24.wikia.com/wiki/Martha_Logan

Martha Logan is loopy, whiny and annoying. She's more harm than help thanks to her inability to see the bigger picture or handle anxiety. She forces Charles Logan's hand when she gets in the car with the Suvarovs, she drags Aaron Pierce down by having some kind of relationship with him, and then she stabs Charles Logan in season 6 when he's the most interesting thing going on in it. There's not much to like here.

She does stand up for her values and does a decent job of being a foil to Charles Logan when his motives are out in the open in season 5, but really she's just a huge amount of baggage that's not particularly fun to watch.
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xyzzy
VincentLauw | Posted 5/24/2010 12:18:47 PM | message detail | filter | #040
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 12:19:48 PM | message detail | filter | #041
martha gets a lot of love for the quality of her acting. i think she's a well-written character but i never liked her much. she may have been well portrayed, but the portrayal was of an unlikable person. gotta love dat troll face when she brings down her hubby at the end of s5 though. not enough love for that.
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 12:20:47 PM | message detail | delete | filter | #042
yeah I agree. she does a good job with the character but it's a particularly likable one.

her role in season 6 is dreadful
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xyzzy
transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 12:21:01 PM | message detail | delete | filter | #043
er, not a particularly likable one
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xyzzy
VincentLauw | Posted 5/24/2010 12:21:22 PM | message detail | filter | #044
While that's true, who actually LIKES Charles Logan? I love his character because of the acting just like I like Martha because of it
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transience (tc) | Posted 5/24/2010 12:21:53 PM | message detail | delete | filter | #045
quite a few people like Charles Logan. he's gotten a hell of a lot more likable since season 5, too.
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xyzzy
My Immortal | Posted 5/24/2010 12:23:19 PM | message detail | filter | #046
113. Martha Logan

Topic list.
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VincentLauw | Posted 5/24/2010 12:23:37 PM | message detail | filter | #047
Yeah but I mean as a person he's pretty eh.. cowardice, horrible, cruel, sly etc
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SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 12:23:57 PM | message detail | filter | #048
Topic list.

you've done a great thing for america, transience
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.
PLAYlNGTHEGAME | Posted 5/24/2010 12:24:00 PM | message detail | filter | #049
i personally love logan. i never smiled so wide as i did when the press lady gave him his credit that he deserved last monday
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sess
SenpaiDessus | Posted 5/24/2010 12:25:46 PM | message detail | filter | #050
we can talk charles when charles shows up! he's still got tonight to get through.

though i think the list might have to slow since i can't imagine suvarov placing too high on it, and his ranking could be greatly changed tonight.
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Gandhi loved you, and look what happened to Gandhi.